rush to break free

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 One thing about me, I do love a list. I love organizing. I love excel spreadsheets. I love a to-do list. I love a Plan. that is meant to be capitalized. 

I also love making a new Plan. I love a new spreadsheet and a new to-do list and a new way to read the book wall to death. Side note, I have been on this book buying bet ban for like, almost a year now and that shit's insane. I've also been re-reading The Stand for several days now. Over a week, I'm pretty sure. I love The Stand. It's just like, jacking up my reading pace. Like, I'm lucky that I was like fifteen books ahead on my reading goal or a bitch would be behind now. 

I'm also slogging my way through Tinon #3. I'm 20k in on the rewrite and I wanted to be ready to edit by March. I have one month, and one short month, to rewrite the rest of this fucking book, and all I want to do is write something else that won't take me seven years. Maybe that's what this rush to break free from all of these rules and regulations I so lovingly crafted for my literary pursuits: what I'm doing right now is taking so much damn time.

I am not a patient person. It's definitely my biggest flaw, as a human, is how damn impatient I am. It's the main reason why I self-publish: if I finish a book, I want it to be out tomorrow, not two years from now. The upside to being impatient is that I am wildly productive. The downside is when things have to take time. Because some things do take time, right? 

I think some of this stems back to me being so damn academically strong. Elementary, middle, high, college--all the levels were deeply easy for me. If something wasn't deeply easy for me (French), the solution was to practice a little every day but don't make it take too long, just make it every day. Consistency breeds, at the very least, mediocrity. I would like to not be so impatient. I would like to be able to sink into something and not feel like I want to rush. Everything goes a thousand miles an hour and I'm so caught up on the whirlwind, I don't even know how to slip into the eye of the storm.

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